Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Father's Day

A couple of years ago I had taken all my mom and dad's old movies and made a vcr tape of them.  They were tapes dating back to when my dad was in high school all the way till I was around 8 or nine.  My grandfather had an old video recorder, he passed it on to my dad, and now I have it, it doesn't work though, but I still have it as a reminder.  Most of these old films I may have seen when I was younger but not as an adult.  I saw these films of me as a baby and as a toddler.  Sometime I guess in my teens I built up a resentment for my father.  I had issues.  Many I never discussed with him and kept them to myself, I had even at one time convinced myself that my dad didn't even love me.  Then I watched these video's of a man with so much love in his eyes, so many dreams.  He had this baby in his arms.  He held him up and smiled like I've never remembered my dad smile.  He laid in the bed with this baby, this little part of him and everything seemed to be alright in the world.  I remember that first time watching it as an adult and I cried and cried hard.  Because there was no doubt in my mind that he loved me.  Forget all the things that I thought he'd done wrong in rasing me.  Being to hard on me, feeling he didn't love me for me.  He did!  It was right there on film and I had told myself something else.  I'd convinced myself that wasn't true.  He did and he still does.  I love him too!  Life changes, and changes you.  He is a good man!  I got many wonderful things from him.  He did have a big heart, even though he tried to hide it.  I'm a dreamer much like he was or maybe still is.  I miss many parts of him because I feel like I don't know him as well as I'd like too.  I know him much as I did as a child, but as an adult there is still much to learn, about myself and him as well.  We all love him very much.  I put a picture of he and my Papa in this collage at the top.  Doesn't Papa look proud of his son.  I hope my dad knows how much Papa loved him.  I hope he knows how proud he was of him.  A moment with my father that I will always remember and show his best quality, was the day I was saved.  I remember him hugging me I was 12 years old, and when he hugged me he told me, I'm proud of you, there's nothing more in your life that could make me more proud.  Then he told me he loved me.  In that moment more than any other, I believed him and knew he was speaking from his heart.  His best quality is his love for God.  Something we both have in common.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Your just like your father"?  That was not a phrase I heard much.  If anything we were not a lot alike.  We've always been very diffrent.  There was never an easiness between us.  We were never very close, guess we still aren't but I know him.  And yes, I love him.  I was raised in a family where I heard love talk from my mother.  It was always soft, sweet, and gentle.  He didn't really wear his feeling on the outside for anyone to see.  He didn't feel he needed to chatter a lot to be heard like me.  Even though we never talked about our feelings when I was  a kid and weren't anything alike except maybe our looks.  Even though I may have told myself at times when I was a kid he didn't care about me, deep down I knew he did.  Somehow I've always known that beneath the tough exterior was the most special, loving, and caring father in the world.   So anyway guess I just want to say I do love my dad, even if we've never really shared much how we feel.  He's a lot diffrent now than I remember as a child.    He's still a stranger to me at times, but maybe I'm a stranger to him as well.  We all love him: Sherry, Dena, Lance, and I.  Sending my love to you today on Father's Day.  I love you!  Happy Father's Day!  Your son, Derek

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4 comments:

joolsinwa said...

you always touch me with lovely words and photos!
Julie~ http://journals.aol.com/joolsinwa/randommusingsofmymind

rivercitygirl1 said...

These are beautiful words Derek.  You are very, very lucky to have a father  who loves you so much.  :)
Tami

mariebm56 said...

That really was beautiful, Derek.

pixiedustnme said...

Great pictures!  And that whole "you are just like your father thing" just call me a clone!  http://journals.aol.com/pixiedustnme/Inmyopinion/entries/1114